I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
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I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize