Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
