Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
