Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
