I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
