Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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