update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
