Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
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I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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