I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
