You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
