no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Drake has all the answers
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
