me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
