They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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