I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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