The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
