Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
