I should be sponsored by Trojan
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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