WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
