I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
