I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
