Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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