i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
