textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
