Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
