I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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