I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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