also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
