return my video game
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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