I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
