Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
