You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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