why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
