You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
