that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
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i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
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I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment