I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
