There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
