My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
