I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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