I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
