Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
