party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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