I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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