There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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