apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
