All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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