I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
