it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
