Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
