woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
