Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
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Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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