I just found puke in my bra..
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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