Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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