you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
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You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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