Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
