Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
