i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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