If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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