my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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